Zeldaholics Anonymous

For myself and many others who, over just a few short days, have become addicted to The Legend of Zelda, I present this twelve step program to help overcome this crippling disease. So, be brave, fellow Zeldaholics, and work your way back to sanity, regain touch with your loved ones. No longer will you have the inescapable cravings to play "just one more hour".

Step 1: Admit you have a problem. Just say it, and mean it. It's a lot easier than climbing Death Mountain with a small shield.

Step 2: Use the buddy system. Finding someone else who also wants to recover from Zeldaholism can be a great help. Plus you can compare notes on where the heart fragments are.

Step 3: Tell yourself you can do it. A positive attitude helped you clear that first palace, didn't it?

Step 4: Tell others you can do it. Remember when you ran jumping for joy and crying out loud that you had just beaten that damn level 6? People are sure to support you.

Step 5: Change your mindset. Instead of wishing you had a bomb every time you see a crack in the sidewalk, expecting to see rupees fall out of bugs that fly into the zapper, and thinking you hear theme music every time you go outside, look for tetris shapes in bathroom tiles, or hum the Super Mario Bros. music.

Step 6: Take off that green cap, and get a haircut.

Step 7: Stop stalking that girl that looks like Princess Zelda. She doesn't need your protection. Remember that black eye? She can fend for herself.

Step 8: Whistling the ocarina melodies or the tornado-summoning flute song is not going to help. Chew gum, eat lots of stuff, drink lots of alcohol, make out, or otherwise occupy your mouth when you are tempted to whistle one of these tunes.

Step 9: Return that boomerang to the store, and give your archery set to someone who likes bow hunting for his birthday.

Step 10: Play Zelda 2: The Adventures of Link for a hour. If anything is to turn you off from the land of Hyrule, that's it.

Step 11: Get ready to hear the short fanfare when you recieve your certificate of accomplishment and hold it proudly above your head.

Step 12: Stop kidding yourself! You're hooked! Quit dinkin' around on the internet and go play Zelda, for cripe's sake! Finish that palace! Recover the triforce! Ganon's not just going to defeat himself, you know!